Just a poem I liked..

Father, Mother and Me,
sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
and everyone else is They,
And They live over the sea
and We live over the way,
But - would you believe it? -
They look upon We
As only a sort of They!

Settled in!!!

Over the last three months, it's unbelievable how much has happened to me.. I moved from a safe, secure city where I was surrounded y relatives to a place where i barely knew a handful of people. I learnt to live on my own. I learnt that freedom was not strictly a good thing..

I joined a new college where I was one of the unknown faces in the crowd again. I learnt to make new friends again. And I wondered why I was worried about it cos I found it so easy to make friends. I found that some good had come out of teachers keeping our noses to the grind at the previous college, cos I had actually heard of Klee and Kandinsky's experiment when the rest of the class was hearing it for the first time in social psychology class..

I found that I can actually cook a whole range of dishes and that I was not as lazy as I thought. I also learnt that I was cleaner than I thought myself to be and I Could actually manage a house pretty well. I found that living with someone is so different from actually just being really good friends and seeing each other for about 6 hours a day. I learnt that whatever happens, true friendship always prevails and issues like some guy cant actually come between good friends.

I realized that sometimes we are so dumb and dont c things that are right in front of us. I hit myself a million times for wasting weeks, months and maybe years when something that has come to mean so much to me was actually so close by. I realized that I have important decisions to make and now that I think of myself as "grown - up", I actually have to start making most of those decisions on my own.

Last nite as i lay on my bed I realized that experiences change a man.... Each new place, each new person, each new day teaches you something new. Some lessons I really dint wana learn. But well, maybe, its better I learn it now...

I made a whole bunch of new friends and I am so happy that I met them. Cos as much as I miss my previous college and friends, these new ones are the ones who have helped me laugh away the stress of post grad courses and who have listened to my nutty philosophy of life and who laugh at my dumb jokes and make me laugh at theirs...

New Places...

In a week from now... some things mite change.. for one.. i will be 21 years old.. in almost every country in the world, i will be of legal age to drink.. ha ha.. thats one way of looking at it.. my aunt told me that in a few days i will be an adult.. now.. wat exactly does that mean? does waking up one morning 21 years from the day u were born make u an adult?
somehow i figure that being an adult means being able to take failures, maintaining healthy relationships, taking responisibility for ur life, making ur own decisions and deep, heavy stuff like that.. and i highly doubt that a week from now i will be able to do any of those things even remotely better than i am doing them now..
wat does being 21 mean to me? hmmm... it means nothing different.. it means that i have managed to carry myself (shakily, i must add) thru the last 21 years..
In a week from now.. I'm moving from one cosmopolitan city to another.. But this time im gonna be living on my own.. im gonna try to stop being the spoilt brat that i know i am and stop depending on people (unfortunately i cant not depend on my parents for money as yet) for too many things...
In a week from now.. im gonna have to make new friends.. So far, i have been very lucky in making friends.. But now, i have to go back to being the new kid on the block and make new friends..
In a week from now... im gonna have to pay to message people on the cell phone.. after living in toal luxury where i had free messaging, imgona have to start paying to msg.. I dont know if i can live with that. ha ha..
In a week from now im gonna start studying the one subject that i never thought i would study...

i guess a week from now, ill know alot more about the person i am. just hope i learn some good stuff about me...

Expectations

Expect nothing from others and much more from urself..
One of my friends taught me that! It took me a while to learn that, But im sure glad i learnt that lesson now.. It has changed so much for me and made me a free person..
Expectation is the core of worry, heartache and problems..
Guess since ur the only one who has control over yourself, its ok to expect things of urself.. But never expect anything from ppl u have no control over...
Somehow i feel so light and free after figuring this out.. I know its not some highly philosophical statement.. But its good to realize it...

Think about it!

My mom always said that she would prefer to have medium highs if that could balance out the lows as well... so she would neither be too happy nor too sad at any point in her life... I beg to differ on that point... I prefer having the ecstatic highs even if it means having the absolute "pus-on-the-fly-in-the-shitpile" low as well... Perhaps living the balanced life is a better option if u wana save ur heart a whole lot of torture.. But what is life if not for the roller coaster ride it offers.. Thats the main attraction! I have had two occasions in my life when i can say i have been on the absolute high.. It was that topmost point on the roller coaster where u can c practically the whole of the city... And u feel on top of the world... But life like all roller coasters, takes u from that "i'm-the-king-of-the-world" top to the bottomost pit in the blink of an eye... Sometimes those lows are unbearable and many think that they are not worth the high... But i never see it that way... Both times I felt myself hitting rock bottom, never once did i regret the high, nor did it ever cross my mind to wish that i had a more balanced life... My highs give me hope, give me memories; not to dwell on, but to keep me happy thru sad times... My highs taught me valuable lessons on music, books, comedy,food, love and life... My lows taught me much the same thing.. However low i go, ill never give up those moments of insane hapiness i feel.. moments i know will pass sometime, but those moments in which nothing or noone can hurt me... I had two periods of insane happiness.. each lasting about three months... Even the depressive stints that followed those times could never dim the completely pure sense of freedom and happiness i felt at the top of the ride....

Heaven and Hell

What is Hell???
To me....

Hell, is feeling that however hard you try, you just never belong..
Hell, is being left out of a friend's party 'cos u don't meet standards..
Hell, is always being surrounded by people and yet feeling lonely..
Hell, is being compared to others, by others... even worse, by yourself and finding yourself short..
Hell, is seeing couples in love, holding each other, and wishing you were not alone..
Hell, is working hard at something and coming out second best..
But most of all... to me...
Hell, is knowing that you love someone... and that that someone does not love you at all....

What is Heaven???
To me....

Heaven, is being with someone you love, cuddling near a fire on a cold nite..
Heaven, is walks on the beach by sunset, holding hands, fingers and dreams entwined..
Heaven, is talking all nite about silly things with a friend who knows you best..
Heaven, is Christmas with the whole family, knowing that they are always there..
Heaven, is making up after a horrible fight.. and the temporary promise that u'll never fight again..
Heaven, is sharing a hug with your best friend and never wanting to let go..
But most of all... to me...
Heaven, is knowing that you love someone... and that that someone loves you too...

Attention Seeking???

For those of u who watched the movie CRASH and understood it....
In the beginning, there is a line that says something like this.. In L.A, we are so devoid of the feeling of touch that we sometimes crash into each other just to feel the touch!

I liked the movie. Let me tell u that. But this line kept coming into my head and it made me think.

I dont know how to explain this, but i'll try...
There are times when I have wanted to get into a fight with close friends just so that I could talk to them longer or have a longer messaging conversation with them. Like if i dont bring up some fight of some sort things will just go ahead in the blah sort of way.. like we prob talk abt the day and genereal stuff and go to sleep. but if i bring up a disagreement, nothing big, but something enough, then at least the contact remains there longer... do u get the point? or is it just vague?
With different people, different things hit that nerve.. so im ashamed to say that sometimes i hit that nerve purposely, just to have contact for a longer while.. then when i hurt the person i care about by saying those things, i feel bad... is it some problem? like a disorder or something..
i know a couple of friends who would say its just attention seeking. and maybe it is. I like the attention, I like having contact with people. For me.. its more about having that contact for a little longer...
A book i read somwhere once talked about how we initially have so many layers protecting us when we meet someone.. and slowly as we get to kow that person better, we may take off those layers, little by little.. but the problem arises when we take off these layers, it becomes easier for that person to hurt us cos they are now poking the real u... the one without as many layers... as the layers all come off, we feel that poke.. and it begins to hurt even more.. sometimes we dont peel off all the layers.. in rare cases, we actually peel off all the layers and we show the other person the actual u... thats dangerous.. cos then any touch is painful.. they dont have to poke too hard for it to pain.. sounds like a pessimistic thought i know.. but thats the way it is... so to save ourselves, its essential that we keep a few layers to insulate ourselves from the pain...
to say the truth, i have taken off all the layers once... i wouldn't call it a mistake cos it felt good that someone knew u so well.. but in the end... its those ppl who have the ability to hurt u easily cos they know u so well.. i am not saying that it should have been different and i dont think i would change a single thing... but this is just a thought that came up... and i thought id write it down cos after all this is just my space to write what i want about my life...

Ammu!

My brief four year interaction with her came to a halt when she died in a car accident on ECR on june 11th 2005. Death is always something that people face very differently. I am at times ashamed at the way I faced it.
She was my best friend. She was my fan. She was my role model in some ways. She was a part of my family. She was my eating partner. She was a kid at times and sometimes so grown up. She was pretty, smart and intelligent. She could not sing for nuts. She could dress up to kill. She could grasp even the toughest physics concepts at first try. She could convince people to do things her way. (she even convinced my father to let me stay over in her house, which - if you knew my father- is a big thing) She could charm any guy she wanted.
Through the two years we spent in school, we became really close and were inseparabe by the end of twelfth grade. We complimented each other in so many ways, but always happened to be on the same wavelength. Soon we went our separate ways... Me, with my dreams of being a psychologist and she, ready and working hard to finish her medicine and become a skin specialist. We had our dreams..
But we kept in touch. Spending weekends at chennai at my granny's place or at pondy at her place.. Went on our usual trips to new eating joints and hangouts. Everytime something happened, big or small, we would let the other know. I could expect calls from her at midnite asking what I thought of some movie or wondering what she could do for her father on his birthday. She could expect calls from me on friday afternoons saying I'm taking the next bus to pondy cos I'm bored or 'cos I'm feeing abit down.
On that saturday evening when I heard the news of the crash, it was awful. At first I din't believe it. But I was crying all the same. Thru that long, drawn-out nite, I thought.. thought of old times, the future and our friendship.. I refused to go for the funeral. I had calm, fun, amazing last memories of Ammu and I dint wana change the last memory I had of the previous weekend when she and I spent the weekend with our friends and family. I hurt alot of people by that decision. Yet another occassion where I found myself to be a selfish brat. But I was stubborn. I was not ready to meet her family who had become like my own family. I dint wana meet my friends. I had some friends from college with me to help me thru the ordeal. At times, I felt heartless for not being with her family and going for the funeral... But I knew I could not have handled it. Or rather, I dint wana handle it at that point.
I can truthfully say that there has not yet been even one day when I have not thought of her. Most times, I just keep talking about her. Thats my way of dealing with it..
In a couple of weeks it will be one year since i have heard her voice... one year since i met my best friend.. one year since i called anyone "mango"... one year since I have had her picture in my wallet... I dont know how to tell her now how much she meant to me.. How much I needed her and still do... How much I have learnt from her...
Guess from every situation u can learn something...
I learnt, if u care about someone or if they mean something to u, then tell them... rite then.. don't wait, cos u may never have that chance again...
So Mango... this one is for you....

Grow up!

Something I have always had difficulty with is the ability to understand that other people think differently from me. Somehow I have it inside my head that deep inside people think exactly as I would think. And any different reaction from anyone would make me wonder what the hell they were thinking. And just like one of my actions corresponds to a certain thought, I expect others to have that same connection as well... Makes any sense?
Recently in one of the few fights I have had with someone whose opinion I value, I was told to grow up... Now at that point when I was upset and angry, I was furious that someone was actually telling me to grow up.. Because, all my life, I have been trying to live as a grown up, mature person. Sometimes I wonder if I had enough of a childhood since through those years I was always trying to be "grown-up". And the only impression I had about myself was that I was a mature individual who was pretty sensible in ways that mattered. And suddenly, here was someone telling me that I was totally childish! I just could not handle that and it sent a million thoughts through my head..
Though at the time of the fight, I could not even think clearly since I was very upset (perhaps more upset than I have been in years), later at nite, when i lay down to think about my day, I realized that perhaps my friend was right. To actuall be grown up, I needed to recognize that everyone is entitled to his or her own way of thinking and I really cant expect everyone to think the way I do. And without realizing it, I had come to a conclusion that if I love someone, they should automatically love me in the same intensity and in the same way. Alas... that is not to be.. If the world was that fair, what a nice life we would lead.. So I had to face the truth that just because you like someone or think of things in a particular way, it does not mean that someone else should do the same. And if you expect them to, then the only one who will be dissappointed is you! This is a hard truth to face. A linked thought was that I was more conceited than I thought, if this is the way I thought all these years. And for me, learning something so drastically bad about myself was a huge lesson.
I know that I cannot suddenly change the way I think, but realizing the problem is the first step to cure! Sorry, that's the psychologist in me! Now, since the basis on which I had formed an impression about myself had crumbled, there was a whole new challenge lying ahead of me..
Its funny how just two words like GROW UP can make such a big impact on me.
I did not agree with alot of things that we said in the fight, but those words sure helped me alot. Different people think of maturty in different terms. For me, right now I guess, its being able let someone else be who they are and what they want to be and not try to make them who you want them to be... Im sure my view of maturity will change through the years, but if I can learn this, Im sure I'll see alot less pain in the next few years at least...

Useful? I don't think so..

When I got into college, I expected to be under a system of education that would challenge me not just academically, but mentally as well.. It's not fair to say that I was not challenged at all, but I have to say that I found the system boring, mundane and containing very very little practical value. It's not that WCC taught things this way. Almost every college here looked at academics with a very text book view and even though we are an autonomous college, we still have to adhere to basic rules and I guess wide variations would not be appreciated.

I imagined a system that would teach me HOW to learn, not WHAT to learn... With each passing hour, another subject, another teacher, I soon learnt that challenge is not something I should hope for here. I guess it is my fault and I could have easily challenged myself as an individual, to go that extra mile. And don't get me wrong. I'm not just blaming the college. But as a teenager whose main aim in life is to enjoy oneself, issues like this were secondary...

And thinking about it, we leant so much of theory. I could tell you the 21 points for the essay on schizophrenia, the four components of persuasion, father of the various kinds of psychology or the sub tests of the bhatia's intelligence test... I could rattle off stages of prenatal development, all about mendel's theory, do any normal distribution sum, teach my friends about probabilty and all that stuff... I was sure I could recall pretty much most of whatever the text books said. I even knew where on a page the answer could be found and by the end of the semester, I could sometimes even tell you on which page the answer could be found if it was a so-called "important" question.

But now that I have finished my under graduate studies, I often wonder about my future plans in terms of studies and in terms of life.. Most often, I just draw a huge blank.. And of course, though I may still need to know the symptoms of schizophrenia, and knowing about Skinner's experiments may make it easier for me in some way, I cant help wondering how much more it would have helped us if we were taught how to learn, how to have the thirst for knowledge, how to question everything and not blindly accept what we are taught and how to learn for ourselves instead of depending on others..

When I mentioned this thought, a friend told me that I was living in a fantasy world if I thought we could ever study under such a system and said that most of us would not survive under such a system. All I could think was that for one, such a system is meant to help us survive better eventually, and secondly that I am in no way saying that it will be easy and a lazy person like me will have to slog to do well under that system. At the risk of sounding vain, I have to say that I did extremely well in my under graduate studies for someone who put in less than 10% effort. And under a more challenging system , I probably would not have done as well, But I would be more independent, more confident and hopefully wiser..

I may be living in my fantasy world hoping that I find such a system, if not for me, at least for my children (Do I sound like I'm trying to copy Martin Luther King or something?)... But let me dream, for that is all I have!!! My dreams!!! They are only mine... and they are free...

Things I have learnt in college

When i joint WCC I expected something. I'm not quite sure what i expected, but I know for a fact that i sure did expect something from my three years of college. More importantly, I expected 500% more freedom than at school since I was away from my parents, a challenging sytem under which I would learn to learn, cliques of friends like I had in school, money that I could spend any way I pleased... U get the drift!!!!

Whoa!!! And was I in for a surprise or what? My 17 year old brain could not comprehend at the time what changes I would have to go through to survive those three years in college, and to make it more challenging, in hostel!!!

I sure did get alot more freedom than i did while staying with my parents and attending school. But I slowly learnt that with the freedom comes responsibilty and having to face the consequence of your own actions. Every time i decided to bunk more classes, I ran the risk of being lost during my following classes that I did attend and the constant fear that I mite not have the required days of attendance to write my exams without paying condonation, and if I did have to pay, I would have had to cut down on at least three outings to galloppin gooseberries or movenpik or about 10 outings to murugan idlis...

Directly related to this learning was the learning that having to manage my own money is not all that great. When you have a fixed amount for the month, you soon learn that u can't really afford that awesome steak and baskin robbin ice creams everyday unless u decided not to pay ur mess bill and get kicked out of hostel. you also learn that budgeting is not the easiest thing to do, especially when ur a college student who can't decide whether going out with your friends to a party that will cost you 350 bucks or the new kurta in westside is higher on the priority list!

The challenging system.... Well, I was highly dissolutioned is all I can say for now, I guess. At some point, I'll have a whole entry on the system of education. And another major expectation, a group of friends like I had in school - where we would pinky swear to keep secrets, talk about plans for the day, go out often, spend time at each other's houses and the like... Well, was I in for a surprise or what??? I had a whole lot of friends in college, some from hostel, some from class, some from other colleges, some working and some from church... Each group taught me something different unlike the one group of friends I had in school. And while I was moderately close to some of them and used to just "hang out" with them, others influenced me much more.
The biggest and most important difference to me was that in school, we spent half our time telling each other how much the other meant to us and how much we would alwaysbe best friends, in college, there were no time for such trivialities... (is there a word like that?) We just KNEW that we were closer than anything that needs words.. And we knew each other better than anyone else did. Especially friends in the hostel,living with them was like knowing way too much about them... much more than u wanted to know. But ur stuck with them anyway. Something like family.. they are there whether u want them or not.. gives a new meaning to trust!! or rather the old meaning, but just that I took some time to realize what it really means..

We din't have to keep proving to ourselves or anyone else that we were friends or how close we were and still are.. I made some other friends. Guys who I liked, thought I loved, actually loved and some friends who were just there.. They all taught me something new. About guys... how to deal with them, how different they are and what good friends some of them can be.. and by that i emphasize on the word - some! All-in-all, I could say it was a love -hate relationship with most of them! lol...

College taught me alot more which I am feeling to lazy to elaborate on at the moment, so maybe another time... For now - college is an experience thru which if u survive, ur much wiser (hopefully) and much happier (at least for me!!)

All about timing!

We keep learning small things as we go on thru life and lately I have noticed something that is important in the sense that unless I understand this, my attitude, relationships and future will be affected. Without further nonsensic blabbering, I'll tell you what I have learnt...

Every event, every situation, every decision is alot about timing. We may make different decisions about the same situation because of circumstances or timing!

Whether it's as simple as buying a dress that I like, or as complicated as taking up a new job, timing is a deciding factor. It's wierd how when couples are young, they don't have much money, they are building their lives and have to slog to make ends meet and have some form of stable income. But when they are old, retired and have enough money saved, they are too old to travel and try new things or they are not even together anymore to use that money together..

Even when it comes to relationships, sometimes you meet someone who u like and who likes u (which in itself is difficult to find), but u realize the timing is not right, either he moves away or he just hooked up with someone or he just got out of a bad relationship and is not ready for another one, or he wants to get married immediately, or he doesn't!!!!! Sounds like I'm talking with experience doesn't it? lol..

One of my friends told me once that even with jokes, its alot to do with timing. His friend told him that there are four kinds of jokes...

1. good jokes, good timing
2. good jokes, bad timing
3. bad jokes good timing
4. bad jokes, bad timing

Guess my friend ran on the bad jokes, but good timing system.. Neways, it's the timng that saved him and made people think his jokes were funny. And if I ever (in a momentary lapse of sanity) tried to crack that joke, it always misfired.. But guess that's also cos I'm not someone who can say jokes well. Well, what can I say?? Some can sing, some can dance, some can say jokes... And obviously I am not one of them.

Being at the rite place and more importantly at the rite time, accounts for a whole lot. And some people have made it big because they were at the rite place at the rite time. Of course I have to admit that some ppl who had it tough and never managed to be where they wanted to and when they wanted to, have also made it big. Thats sheer perseverence and hardwork - which is another thing i admire. There is no use having talent or skills, You need to be able to use it well.

Just random musings, I guess.. But since this is my space for me to write what i want, when i want, I dont need to apologize for these words.. my thoughts..