Layers to go.....

A teacher of mine once told me that I should open up a little and let more people know the "real" me! We always spoke of layers that we all have. Some people seeing us as we are with the layers wrapped around us so tight, a few who take the trouble to actually see us through the first few layers and the privileged few who can see right through to that vulnerable core that is YOU!

This came as a surprise to my classmates who were listening as I was commonly known as the "blabbermouth" of the class. Everyone knew what I had been upto the previous day, all about my family members and even who my favourite teacher was. When I first heard it, it surprised me as well. I talk alot! I talk to lots of people. I am always talking. When I got home that night and lay down to sleep, I thought about her comments.

Thinking about it... Even though I talk a whole lot, there is ALMOST NOONE who knows the "real" me. There is noone who knows what I want to do when I feel sick.. Noone who knows where I want to retire.. Noone who knows my deepest darkest secrets... Noone who knows when I want to be with people and when I don't want to.. Noone who knows whether I believe in abortion or not.. Noone who knows what means the most to me.. Noone who knows what values I have.. Noone who knows who my best friend is..

Guess Noone really knows the "real" me.. But then again, does anyone know the "real" you???

A mother's prayer!!

This is what my mother wrote to me just before my engagement... It brought tears to my eyes!

A PICTURE OF PERFECTION.


I thank God that He has made you......

beautiful enough- not to the extent that would make you arrogant.
intelligent enough- not to the extent to make you cynical.
smart enough-not to the extent that would make you think no end of yourself.
stylish enough- not to the extent that would make you snobbish.
disciplined enough- not to the extent that would make you intolerable.
healthy enough- not to the extend that would make you a hypochondriac.
successful enough- not to the extend that would make you haughty.
talented enough- not to the extend that would rob others of attention.
hardworking enough-not to the extend that would make you a workaholic.
lucky enough- not to the extend that would invite envy.
humble enough- not to the extend that would make you servile.
proud enough- not to the extend that you would fall.
famous enough- not to the extend to bask in your own glory.
Enough of everything but not enough for vanity.
Not perfect to the world,
but to your mother-YOU ARE A PICTURE OF PERFECTION.



May you be the joy of your new home as well.
The greatest strength to the one you most love.
and evolve to be the kind of person you really want to be.
May all your dreams come to fruition.
I dream for you just as much as you do-may be more.
We may anger each other and blurt out harsh words
But deep down within- there is a bottomless ocean of love,
A mother's love-called Birth pangs.
because it is born out of the greatest joy and the greatest pain.
{Aren't they the two different sides of the same coin?]
You have given us the joy of parenthood.
May you enjoy the same.

I ask pardon if there be any that remains unforgiven between you and me.
For this relationship should be sacred and everlasting-that is my plea.

GOD- To you I give all the glory as i call myself
THE PROUDEST MUM.

10 favourite things!!!????!!

Macabreday has a way of making me feel guilty about not posting on this blog! he he.. well, guess i have been a bit lazy lately. Today is one of those rare days... Im usually one who wakes up at a time when so i can have exactly the time needed to get dressed and get to college. today, i woke up earlier. so i figured i would respond to his tag before i did anything else.... Im supposed to list 10 of my favourite things..... well, here goes....
1. food - need i say any more? i love food to a point where my better half seriously questions my commitment towards him if he is pitted against a gooey chocolate fudge!!! hehe..
2. cell phone - i know i sound like those bimbos who are stuck to their phones, but i really do need my phone... there was a time when i used to send more than 200 messages a day. but now, im not that jobless.. he he... but i still need my phone. every time i hear it beep, at least it gives me hope that someone i love is calling!!
3. mail - like mac said, i too love getting mails with my name on it.... i hate opening an empty mailbox.
4. surprises - i love surprises. period. i love to be surprised, i love to surprise people, i love to know that we can break the monotony. i hate things that are boring, the same and have no variations...
5. friends - i love my friends. i am horrible at showing how much they mean to me. i often take them for granted. but i love them and ill go mad if i dont have friends in abundance...
6. family - who can live without family. another set of people i take for granted!!!!! immediate and extended family are the ones who made me what i am today!!! they have seen me at my worst... how can i live without them.... (even my sisters!!!!! if they do ask me about this, ill completely deny ever saying that they are important to me, tho!)
7. books and music - cant imagine my life without either of them. i dont know how to explain this one!
8. juice - i know i already sai food, but juice is a whole new category!!!!!! he he... i love juice... almost any juice (not weird ones like tomato juice or cucumber juice, but normal ones like orange, apple, pineapple and the like )
9. time tables - i love time tables... i love planning my day, i love making schedules... none of my plans ever work!!!!!!! i always end up doing other stuff or the same stuff differently, but i love planning all the same!!!!!!!!
10. sunshine!!!!! - wanted to save this for the end cos its the most important to me..... i love sunshine... it brightens my day... it makes me smile... it gives me energy... it gives me the will to go on no matter what... its the bright start to a new day... a new beginning...

psychology makes you go crazy!!!!

do u know whats the first response from a layman who heard you are studying psychology?
"oh, i better be scared, cos you can read my mind right??"
come on... how uneducated does someone have to be to think that in this day and age, someone can read your mind? through the five years that i have been studying the subject, i have heard that response or various versions of it innumerable times. but this is not what the post is about....

there is something that i have noticed! more than any other stream of students, its the psychology students who seem to be most unstable, filled with complexes and most unable to resolve personal issues in satisfactory manner.

there are two comments i have to make about this phenomenon...

1. that psychology students probably come to realize that such issues exist in them more than other students do... (and therefore it is out in the open for everyone to see) OR
   

2. it is people who have issues who take up psychology in the first place.....

whatever the reason may be, it is unsettling to know that people who are training themselves to solve your issues are the very ones who have the most issues themselves.

in my current class where i am doing my masters in psychology, from my personal assessment there are people with major inferiority complexes, superiority complexes, adjustment issues, inability to deal with others' success, hyper competitiveness, hypersensitivity, eccentric behaviour, inability to deal appropriately with emotions, low self esteem and many many more problems that as psychologists, we learn to help people with.... i include myself in the list of people who one or more of the above mentioned issues. but whatever said and done, its psychology majors who seem to have more of these issues. now, my findings are not based on empirical research but purely on observation. as a sequel to this, i also go so far as to say that as people major in more specialized fields of psychology, the more these issues manifest themselves..

like every rule, or every observation, in this case, there are exceptions to every rule... i have also met a few (very very scanty number) of people who don't show any outward symptoms of psychological issues. and i sincerely hope that as times moves on, the exceptions will be more than those who follow the norm!!!!!! for the sake of the society as least!

WOW!!!!

Just a song that one of my friends sang for my boyfriend and me! i loved it! thought id share it with you guys as well!!!!! its originally sung by julie miller! here goes....

oh look at where we are

god has brought us both this far

we've been delivered by his hand

and brought to the place where we now stand

love is patient love is kind

love comes thru every time

always protects hopes and trusts

keep on believing and it never gives up

in my life i have seen so many things

but nothing has touched me so deep inside

as when i see jesus in your eyes

in my heart i'm very sure

in his love ours will endure

loving him by lvoing you

in serving jesus i will serve you too

for his glory we will live

he has given us love to give

i am with your heart and soul

where ever he leads together we will go

in my life i have seen so many things

but nothing has touched me so deep inside

as when i see jesus in your eyes

in your eyes....

I... ME... MYSEF...

JUST SAW THIS ON ANOTHER BLOG AND IT LOOKED LIKE FUN.....

HAVE YOU EVER.......

Smoked a cigarette?: Brought it near my mouth and couldnt stand the smell.... so thats the whole cigarette experience for me.
Crashed a friend's car?: Nope, not yet!! but thats not to say that i wont!
Stolen a car?: nope! dont ever see myself doing that!
Been in love?: yes... completely, madly, head over heels in love.....
Been dumped?:not technically!!!! ;)
Shoplifted?:not that i remember, but it seems like something that would be fun to do just once!
Been in a fist fight?:nope, but my boyfriend has.... does that count?
Sneaked out of your parent's house?:ha ha.. if u ever saw my parents house, u would not even ask the question! its more secure than a prison!
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?: yeah well, haven't we all?
Gone on a blind date?: went on a blind sms date kind of thing! i still listen to my parents when they told me not to talk to strangers!
Skipped school?: nope!!!! never wanted to!
Been on a plane?: yeah! love it!!!! its an amazing feeling to fly!
Seen someone die?: nope! but had one of my best friends die in an accident! couldnt even face it at that point! im a scaredy cat when it comes to the death of loved ones!
Purposely set a part of yourself on fire?: lol... nope! even though im fat, i love my body!
Been jet-skiing?: no!!!!! but thats something id like o do with my husband at some point!
Met someone in person from the Internet?: nope.... been brought up to be wary of such things!
Taken pain killers?: nope! again, been brought up using ayurveda rather than antibiotics!
Flown a kite?: ooohhhh yeah!!!!! even saw a good friend fly a kite for the first time!!!! wow.... there is no feeling like it!
Built a sand castle?:well, helped my sisters build one loong loong time ago!!!!
Gone puddle jumping?:yes yes yes.... would still do it in a jiffy!
Cheated while playing a game?: im a pro at cheating! he he
Been lonely?:hmmm... yeah, but thankfully not anymore thanks to a certain economist who makes me feel special and wanted 24*7
Fallen asleep at work or school/college?: ha ha... ask my teachers!
Used a fake ID?: never needed one and now im an adult anyway!
Felt an earthquake?: nope! always wanted to tho!
Touched a snake?: nope, but had a friend who loved touching snakes!
Slept beneath the stars?: yeah once but wana do that with that special person!
Been robbed?:i live in india!!!!!!! does that answer ur question?
Been misunderstood?:not many times. am a freak about trying to communicate efficiently!
Won a contest?:yup! long ago.... but remember every bit clearly!
Run a red light/stop sign?: nope! am a spoitl brat who has a driver driving her around most of the time!
Been suspended from school?: nope.... glad abt it!
Been in a car accident?:not that i remember!
Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night?: oh yes!!!!!!!! two pints at least! and fell sick the next day!
Walked the streets drunk?: nope... have never even been drunk... just felt a slight buzz once!
Had déjà vu?: nope!!!!! always want to know how it feels!
Danced in the moonlight?:yeah but not with the person i wana do it with the most!
Witnessed a crime?: nope! had a boring life i guess!ooohhh yeah! love the feeling!!!!!!
Been lost?: my sense of direction sucks!
Been on the opposite side of the country?: yeah!!! had the most amazing time ever!
Swum in the ocean?:secret for u!!!! i cant swim!
Cried yourself to sleep?: too many times! but thankfully its been a long time now!
Played cops and robbers?: Yes!!!!!
Recently coloured with crayons?: my artistic skills are negative!
Sung karaoke?: yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paid for a meal with only coins?:oh yeah..... i lived in hostel!!! several times!
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?: ha ha.. yeah guess so!
Made prank phone calls?: lol.. those were the days!
Caught a snow flake on your tongue?: just seen snow once!
Written a letter to Santa Claus?: yeah yeah yeah.... still believe he exists! in denial!
Blown bubbles?: its like magic! love it!
Bonfire on the beach?:ooooh yeah!!!! camptime!!! was good!
Cheated on a test?: ha ha... yeah... and still did badly on it!
Gone skinny-dipping in a pool?: nope! one more thing to add to my to do list!

prayers needed!!!!!!!!

tomorrow at 9 am IST, i am scheduled to write my GRE exam. I cant say tht i have busted my ass for ages but i can say that for the past three weeks, the little time that i did study, i studied!!!! i put in everything i had!!!! tomorrow decides alot of things! im just writing this so that, if by some chance anyone comes across this blog post tonite, im asking u to pray for me.
what decides how well u do an exam? effort? i don't think so... luck???? knowledge????
this past couple of weeks has been the most tensed weeks of my life and i sincerely hope it was all worth it! well, guess ill know tomorrow!!!
just a reminder....
anyone who reads this tonight.... please take a moment and say a silent prayer!!
it won hurt you and it will only help me!

TAGGED!

got tagged by a couple of people earlier this month, finally got a few minutes to myself so decided to play!

Rules are:

* Each player starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their ten things and post these rules.
* At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

10 FACTS ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!

1. I open cream biscuits and eat all the biscuits first and then eat all the cream!
2. I have cut open the milkmaid squeezy tube to lick the remaining condensed milk out of the tube.
3. I have actually stopped my boyfriend mid-sentence while we were discussing future plans to tell him that i feel like having jilebi.
4. My favourite snack is fried fish and jam.
5. On a dare i ate 15 ice creams at one shot when i was 3 years old.
6. I love to watch the stars and i love the beach!
7. I have tried going on diets 42 times and given up after the first day.
8. I still need an Enid Blyton's story book to read when i go to the bathroom.
9. I convinced my sister that my mother does not love us and that we should run away when i was 4 years old.
   
10. I want to start an orphanage and adopt a child if my husband and i can gather enough money to support that child.

almost everyone i blog with has already been tagged, so anyone who reads this post, you are tagged!
athu
bhavna
sindhu
you guys are tagged!

Being a single child again!

since i was 1 and a half years old, i have never stayed at home with my parents as a single child. i have always had two bratty younger sisters wanting to copy everything i did. when i went to school, my second sister decided that she wanted to go as well, when i got a new dress, another sister wanted one just like that, when i got to go out with my friends, they wanted to go out with theirs! my mother often told me that it was flattering that they wanted to do all i did, but somehow i was smart enough never to have bought that story! wherever i looked, i always saw something that reminded me that they were there! we spent all our time playing together and keeping each other company, but let there be no illusion that the games were "fight-free". over the years, my mother learnt to turn a deaf ear to the screaming at shouting at one another. she knew that she had to be worried only if she did not hear from us for more than a few minutes cos then u could be sure that we were upto some mischief.
every time my "only child friends" told me about that huge cadbury bar they ate themselves, or the tv show they watched (which i couldnt cos my sister got to the tv first) i listened with envy and often wondered what it would be like to live alone at home.
i never really had that opportunity till a couple of days back when my sisters had to go to chennai for a few days and left me with my parents to fulfill me life long desire to be the only child.... over night things changed. i could choose what amma should make for tea, (usually, all three of us want different things and amma makes us compromise), i dint have to shout - "i book the tv at 9 pm", i dint have to book to have bath in the best bathroom, i dint have to wait till my sister took annoyingly long on the computer, i dint have to fight to lick the cake batter off the dish, i dint have to divide the portion of prawns into three and carefully assess which was the biggest portion, i dint have to fight to sit at the window seat in the car, i dint have to push my youngest sister to the edge of the bed and eventually push her out, i dint have to drink apple juice just because it was another sister's turn to choose the flavour of tropicana that we bought, i dint have to wait endlessly for the phone till my sister's million boyfriends were done talking to her.......... ah.... this is life....
or so i thought.....
to my utter dismay, being the only child was not seventh heaven... i was bored after the first one hour of being awake, i found it was boring to play the guitar and sing without the bratty duo to sing parts for the song, i found no satisfaction in sitting at the window seat in the car without winning the fight and similarly found that parents showering all their attention on you is not a good thing! there was nothing on tv that i could watch without passing the usual comments on everything and everyone and "bold and the beautiful" was no longer fun unless i watched it with either one of my witty siblings! over a period of 24 hours i went from envying only children to complete sympathy towards them for losing out on the best parts of life! having siblings, fighting with them and learning to put up with them!
guess they are what u call "necessary evils"!!!!

what's the big deal in Ph. D anyway??????

so, here i am, minding my own business, ambling through life with no high flown ambitions when.... BAMM... i fall in love... now that may sound like a great thing for those of you jobless people who are actually reading this.... well, yeah.... the passion, the excitement, the security, the stolen moments, the talks, the fights..... yup! sounds like an amazing deal.....
but what happens when its time to get married, you come from different continents, both of you just fresh out of college, with no work experience, parents want you guys to get married soon, you want to get married soon.... but u have absolutely no means to make a living and settle down (unless your rich uncle leaves you with an inheritance)... what do u do then???
ill tell you... apply for a Ph D!!!!! no, i have not gone bonkers as yet! the good thing about this previously unexplored decision is that most often if you get a good enough score, the uni gives you a stipend and if both of you get in, u can live off that for the next three years. this actually gives you three years of being together until u have to come up with a new plan for survival!! smart, ain't i?
this may sound simple enough! but well, nothing in life comes easy! so now you have to write the GRE!!!! U suddenly find that ur stuck with 6000 word vocab to mug up, old dusty math textbooks that have been sitting in the attic since tenth grade and hundreds of university brochures that seem to show a number of statistics that u have no idea about. but well, love does strange things to people.... so people like me, who never take an effort to study, actually cleans up a table and sets all those notes and 5 sharpened 2B pencils to start this herculian task.... bad enough that i have to do math again, but now i have to do 30 sums in 30 minutes.... How does anyone do that? it practically takes me a minute to figure out what the problem is trying to say!
"practice makes perfect", my parents say! so i practice.... (please keep in mind, that im doing this all for love)... speed, distance, time, loss, profit, sales tax, geometry, pie graphs, bar graphs, mode, median, percentage....... i must be the only person in this world to consistently do worse on subsequent tests... but i go on, trudging my way through laws of exponents ..
one evening, a certain aunt comes home and sees me with my hair out of place, pencils strewn on the table and a totally confused expression on my face. she stops to look at me and then asks me.... "why are you doing all this? can't you just get married and work here? what's the big deal about a Ph. D?" i rushed into this long explanation about how people with Ph D's get better jobs, have better opportunities, are better equipped in research, get to specialize in the field of their choice and whole bunch of stuff i don't even remember now!
later that nite, i lie down and think abt what i said.... i dont want a high flown job, i have absolutely no interest in research.. (an by that i mean zilch interest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), i don't even know what i want to specialize in.... what is the big deal about the Ph. D???????
well, back to my initial point..... all for love.... when in doubt, have no options ahead of you, have to get married and make a life for yourself, then go forth my friends..... Apply for Ph. D!!!!


P.S. - by the way, my GRE exam is on 7th June.... anyone who is jobless enough to read this post, please take a moment of and pray that we do well.... your prayers will give us a better chance at a peaceful next three years!

Hardest things in life!!!!!

some things so far in my life were really hard for me to do!
like.....
1. saying sorry to my parents!
2. saying bye to friends who had been there, right next to me for years.
3. leaving your family and going away to hostel for the first time...
4. the day my elder sister got married and moved away from home...
5. the death of my best friend..
6. trying not to cry while watching STEPMOM.
7. telling my parents that there is someone i want to spend the rest of my life with!
8. realizing that i could flunk!!!!!!!!! physics model exams in tenth grade
9. admitting i made a mistake in taking a course in clinical psychology instead of industrial psych!
but the hardest thing that i had to do so far was last week.......
10. the one person who means the most to me in this world left for another continent and the worst part was that i had no idea when i would see him next. i was really glad that my parents agreed that i could go to africa and see him sometime this year....

the hardest thing i have ever had to do was say bye to him and not cry! cos i knew that if he left and the last thing he heard from me was me crying, he would be upset!!!!

without any doubt saying bye to him as he was on the flight was the hardest thing i ever had to do! i knew right then that there would be noone else for me but that one guy who was taking my heart with him on that plane!

this is to you sunshine... for bringing light into my life!!!!

LIFE ON MY OWN!

For the past 8 months, i have been living in my own appartment. its been a marvellous experience.
after a hectic day at college, it amazing to come home and relax in the kitchen.. biopsych classes give me ample time to decide what i want to cook that night for dinner. on the way back, i pick up the necessary ingredients for the scrumptious meal i plan and i get back home. after a quick wash and a ten minute laze, i run to my haven... the delicious aroma of a variety of indian spices soon fills the small house. what makes cooking even better is the company of my two friends who bring "modas" and settle themselves in the kitchen where we all try our hands at making new dishes, jabber nonstop and laugh away to glory at our blunders in the kitchen.. like schezwan rice that was too spicy to eat.... we made pizzas, pasta, schezwan rice, chapatti, puliogare, potato or ladies finger dishes, variety of chicken dishes, bombay toast when we were lazy, cutlets.... and for dessert, gulab jamun, payasam or just some chocolate.... good food makes almost anyone happy and it obviously made us extremely happy. like all "cheri" students living on a budget, we waited for someone's birthday or someone's parents to come so we would get treated to some good food...
in the evenings, we took a walk to have paani puri, finished work on presentations and stuff and then watched some movie - however bad it was and eventually fell asleep... to wake up to yet another of classes, food, friends....
cleaning the house, paying bills on time, buying household goods were all new to me, and in the first month when i enjoyed it i thought it was probably because it still felt like i was playing house. but now 8 months down the line, i still enjoy every moment of it.
8 months ago, i wasnt sure i could manage a house on m own, but now i know i can.. my doors are always open to friends and most often i have friends dropping in or staying over... it makes life here fun..
the ultimate compliment though, was when my parents had come over for a few days and saw the way i run the house and they said they were impressed....
im glad to say that i can now officially live on my own!!!!!!!

Just a poem I liked..

Father, Mother and Me,
sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
and everyone else is They,
And They live over the sea
and We live over the way,
But - would you believe it? -
They look upon We
As only a sort of They!

Settled in!!!

Over the last three months, it's unbelievable how much has happened to me.. I moved from a safe, secure city where I was surrounded y relatives to a place where i barely knew a handful of people. I learnt to live on my own. I learnt that freedom was not strictly a good thing..

I joined a new college where I was one of the unknown faces in the crowd again. I learnt to make new friends again. And I wondered why I was worried about it cos I found it so easy to make friends. I found that some good had come out of teachers keeping our noses to the grind at the previous college, cos I had actually heard of Klee and Kandinsky's experiment when the rest of the class was hearing it for the first time in social psychology class..

I found that I can actually cook a whole range of dishes and that I was not as lazy as I thought. I also learnt that I was cleaner than I thought myself to be and I Could actually manage a house pretty well. I found that living with someone is so different from actually just being really good friends and seeing each other for about 6 hours a day. I learnt that whatever happens, true friendship always prevails and issues like some guy cant actually come between good friends.

I realized that sometimes we are so dumb and dont c things that are right in front of us. I hit myself a million times for wasting weeks, months and maybe years when something that has come to mean so much to me was actually so close by. I realized that I have important decisions to make and now that I think of myself as "grown - up", I actually have to start making most of those decisions on my own.

Last nite as i lay on my bed I realized that experiences change a man.... Each new place, each new person, each new day teaches you something new. Some lessons I really dint wana learn. But well, maybe, its better I learn it now...

I made a whole bunch of new friends and I am so happy that I met them. Cos as much as I miss my previous college and friends, these new ones are the ones who have helped me laugh away the stress of post grad courses and who have listened to my nutty philosophy of life and who laugh at my dumb jokes and make me laugh at theirs...

New Places...

In a week from now... some things mite change.. for one.. i will be 21 years old.. in almost every country in the world, i will be of legal age to drink.. ha ha.. thats one way of looking at it.. my aunt told me that in a few days i will be an adult.. now.. wat exactly does that mean? does waking up one morning 21 years from the day u were born make u an adult?
somehow i figure that being an adult means being able to take failures, maintaining healthy relationships, taking responisibility for ur life, making ur own decisions and deep, heavy stuff like that.. and i highly doubt that a week from now i will be able to do any of those things even remotely better than i am doing them now..
wat does being 21 mean to me? hmmm... it means nothing different.. it means that i have managed to carry myself (shakily, i must add) thru the last 21 years..
In a week from now.. I'm moving from one cosmopolitan city to another.. But this time im gonna be living on my own.. im gonna try to stop being the spoilt brat that i know i am and stop depending on people (unfortunately i cant not depend on my parents for money as yet) for too many things...
In a week from now.. im gonna have to make new friends.. So far, i have been very lucky in making friends.. But now, i have to go back to being the new kid on the block and make new friends..
In a week from now... im gonna have to pay to message people on the cell phone.. after living in toal luxury where i had free messaging, imgona have to start paying to msg.. I dont know if i can live with that. ha ha..
In a week from now im gonna start studying the one subject that i never thought i would study...

i guess a week from now, ill know alot more about the person i am. just hope i learn some good stuff about me...

Expectations

Expect nothing from others and much more from urself..
One of my friends taught me that! It took me a while to learn that, But im sure glad i learnt that lesson now.. It has changed so much for me and made me a free person..
Expectation is the core of worry, heartache and problems..
Guess since ur the only one who has control over yourself, its ok to expect things of urself.. But never expect anything from ppl u have no control over...
Somehow i feel so light and free after figuring this out.. I know its not some highly philosophical statement.. But its good to realize it...

Think about it!

My mom always said that she would prefer to have medium highs if that could balance out the lows as well... so she would neither be too happy nor too sad at any point in her life... I beg to differ on that point... I prefer having the ecstatic highs even if it means having the absolute "pus-on-the-fly-in-the-shitpile" low as well... Perhaps living the balanced life is a better option if u wana save ur heart a whole lot of torture.. But what is life if not for the roller coaster ride it offers.. Thats the main attraction! I have had two occasions in my life when i can say i have been on the absolute high.. It was that topmost point on the roller coaster where u can c practically the whole of the city... And u feel on top of the world... But life like all roller coasters, takes u from that "i'm-the-king-of-the-world" top to the bottomost pit in the blink of an eye... Sometimes those lows are unbearable and many think that they are not worth the high... But i never see it that way... Both times I felt myself hitting rock bottom, never once did i regret the high, nor did it ever cross my mind to wish that i had a more balanced life... My highs give me hope, give me memories; not to dwell on, but to keep me happy thru sad times... My highs taught me valuable lessons on music, books, comedy,food, love and life... My lows taught me much the same thing.. However low i go, ill never give up those moments of insane hapiness i feel.. moments i know will pass sometime, but those moments in which nothing or noone can hurt me... I had two periods of insane happiness.. each lasting about three months... Even the depressive stints that followed those times could never dim the completely pure sense of freedom and happiness i felt at the top of the ride....

Heaven and Hell

What is Hell???
To me....

Hell, is feeling that however hard you try, you just never belong..
Hell, is being left out of a friend's party 'cos u don't meet standards..
Hell, is always being surrounded by people and yet feeling lonely..
Hell, is being compared to others, by others... even worse, by yourself and finding yourself short..
Hell, is seeing couples in love, holding each other, and wishing you were not alone..
Hell, is working hard at something and coming out second best..
But most of all... to me...
Hell, is knowing that you love someone... and that that someone does not love you at all....

What is Heaven???
To me....

Heaven, is being with someone you love, cuddling near a fire on a cold nite..
Heaven, is walks on the beach by sunset, holding hands, fingers and dreams entwined..
Heaven, is talking all nite about silly things with a friend who knows you best..
Heaven, is Christmas with the whole family, knowing that they are always there..
Heaven, is making up after a horrible fight.. and the temporary promise that u'll never fight again..
Heaven, is sharing a hug with your best friend and never wanting to let go..
But most of all... to me...
Heaven, is knowing that you love someone... and that that someone loves you too...

Attention Seeking???

For those of u who watched the movie CRASH and understood it....
In the beginning, there is a line that says something like this.. In L.A, we are so devoid of the feeling of touch that we sometimes crash into each other just to feel the touch!

I liked the movie. Let me tell u that. But this line kept coming into my head and it made me think.

I dont know how to explain this, but i'll try...
There are times when I have wanted to get into a fight with close friends just so that I could talk to them longer or have a longer messaging conversation with them. Like if i dont bring up some fight of some sort things will just go ahead in the blah sort of way.. like we prob talk abt the day and genereal stuff and go to sleep. but if i bring up a disagreement, nothing big, but something enough, then at least the contact remains there longer... do u get the point? or is it just vague?
With different people, different things hit that nerve.. so im ashamed to say that sometimes i hit that nerve purposely, just to have contact for a longer while.. then when i hurt the person i care about by saying those things, i feel bad... is it some problem? like a disorder or something..
i know a couple of friends who would say its just attention seeking. and maybe it is. I like the attention, I like having contact with people. For me.. its more about having that contact for a little longer...
A book i read somwhere once talked about how we initially have so many layers protecting us when we meet someone.. and slowly as we get to kow that person better, we may take off those layers, little by little.. but the problem arises when we take off these layers, it becomes easier for that person to hurt us cos they are now poking the real u... the one without as many layers... as the layers all come off, we feel that poke.. and it begins to hurt even more.. sometimes we dont peel off all the layers.. in rare cases, we actually peel off all the layers and we show the other person the actual u... thats dangerous.. cos then any touch is painful.. they dont have to poke too hard for it to pain.. sounds like a pessimistic thought i know.. but thats the way it is... so to save ourselves, its essential that we keep a few layers to insulate ourselves from the pain...
to say the truth, i have taken off all the layers once... i wouldn't call it a mistake cos it felt good that someone knew u so well.. but in the end... its those ppl who have the ability to hurt u easily cos they know u so well.. i am not saying that it should have been different and i dont think i would change a single thing... but this is just a thought that came up... and i thought id write it down cos after all this is just my space to write what i want about my life...

Ammu!

My brief four year interaction with her came to a halt when she died in a car accident on ECR on june 11th 2005. Death is always something that people face very differently. I am at times ashamed at the way I faced it.
She was my best friend. She was my fan. She was my role model in some ways. She was a part of my family. She was my eating partner. She was a kid at times and sometimes so grown up. She was pretty, smart and intelligent. She could not sing for nuts. She could dress up to kill. She could grasp even the toughest physics concepts at first try. She could convince people to do things her way. (she even convinced my father to let me stay over in her house, which - if you knew my father- is a big thing) She could charm any guy she wanted.
Through the two years we spent in school, we became really close and were inseparabe by the end of twelfth grade. We complimented each other in so many ways, but always happened to be on the same wavelength. Soon we went our separate ways... Me, with my dreams of being a psychologist and she, ready and working hard to finish her medicine and become a skin specialist. We had our dreams..
But we kept in touch. Spending weekends at chennai at my granny's place or at pondy at her place.. Went on our usual trips to new eating joints and hangouts. Everytime something happened, big or small, we would let the other know. I could expect calls from her at midnite asking what I thought of some movie or wondering what she could do for her father on his birthday. She could expect calls from me on friday afternoons saying I'm taking the next bus to pondy cos I'm bored or 'cos I'm feeing abit down.
On that saturday evening when I heard the news of the crash, it was awful. At first I din't believe it. But I was crying all the same. Thru that long, drawn-out nite, I thought.. thought of old times, the future and our friendship.. I refused to go for the funeral. I had calm, fun, amazing last memories of Ammu and I dint wana change the last memory I had of the previous weekend when she and I spent the weekend with our friends and family. I hurt alot of people by that decision. Yet another occassion where I found myself to be a selfish brat. But I was stubborn. I was not ready to meet her family who had become like my own family. I dint wana meet my friends. I had some friends from college with me to help me thru the ordeal. At times, I felt heartless for not being with her family and going for the funeral... But I knew I could not have handled it. Or rather, I dint wana handle it at that point.
I can truthfully say that there has not yet been even one day when I have not thought of her. Most times, I just keep talking about her. Thats my way of dealing with it..
In a couple of weeks it will be one year since i have heard her voice... one year since i met my best friend.. one year since i called anyone "mango"... one year since I have had her picture in my wallet... I dont know how to tell her now how much she meant to me.. How much I needed her and still do... How much I have learnt from her...
Guess from every situation u can learn something...
I learnt, if u care about someone or if they mean something to u, then tell them... rite then.. don't wait, cos u may never have that chance again...
So Mango... this one is for you....

Grow up!

Something I have always had difficulty with is the ability to understand that other people think differently from me. Somehow I have it inside my head that deep inside people think exactly as I would think. And any different reaction from anyone would make me wonder what the hell they were thinking. And just like one of my actions corresponds to a certain thought, I expect others to have that same connection as well... Makes any sense?
Recently in one of the few fights I have had with someone whose opinion I value, I was told to grow up... Now at that point when I was upset and angry, I was furious that someone was actually telling me to grow up.. Because, all my life, I have been trying to live as a grown up, mature person. Sometimes I wonder if I had enough of a childhood since through those years I was always trying to be "grown-up". And the only impression I had about myself was that I was a mature individual who was pretty sensible in ways that mattered. And suddenly, here was someone telling me that I was totally childish! I just could not handle that and it sent a million thoughts through my head..
Though at the time of the fight, I could not even think clearly since I was very upset (perhaps more upset than I have been in years), later at nite, when i lay down to think about my day, I realized that perhaps my friend was right. To actuall be grown up, I needed to recognize that everyone is entitled to his or her own way of thinking and I really cant expect everyone to think the way I do. And without realizing it, I had come to a conclusion that if I love someone, they should automatically love me in the same intensity and in the same way. Alas... that is not to be.. If the world was that fair, what a nice life we would lead.. So I had to face the truth that just because you like someone or think of things in a particular way, it does not mean that someone else should do the same. And if you expect them to, then the only one who will be dissappointed is you! This is a hard truth to face. A linked thought was that I was more conceited than I thought, if this is the way I thought all these years. And for me, learning something so drastically bad about myself was a huge lesson.
I know that I cannot suddenly change the way I think, but realizing the problem is the first step to cure! Sorry, that's the psychologist in me! Now, since the basis on which I had formed an impression about myself had crumbled, there was a whole new challenge lying ahead of me..
Its funny how just two words like GROW UP can make such a big impact on me.
I did not agree with alot of things that we said in the fight, but those words sure helped me alot. Different people think of maturty in different terms. For me, right now I guess, its being able let someone else be who they are and what they want to be and not try to make them who you want them to be... Im sure my view of maturity will change through the years, but if I can learn this, Im sure I'll see alot less pain in the next few years at least...

Useful? I don't think so..

When I got into college, I expected to be under a system of education that would challenge me not just academically, but mentally as well.. It's not fair to say that I was not challenged at all, but I have to say that I found the system boring, mundane and containing very very little practical value. It's not that WCC taught things this way. Almost every college here looked at academics with a very text book view and even though we are an autonomous college, we still have to adhere to basic rules and I guess wide variations would not be appreciated.

I imagined a system that would teach me HOW to learn, not WHAT to learn... With each passing hour, another subject, another teacher, I soon learnt that challenge is not something I should hope for here. I guess it is my fault and I could have easily challenged myself as an individual, to go that extra mile. And don't get me wrong. I'm not just blaming the college. But as a teenager whose main aim in life is to enjoy oneself, issues like this were secondary...

And thinking about it, we leant so much of theory. I could tell you the 21 points for the essay on schizophrenia, the four components of persuasion, father of the various kinds of psychology or the sub tests of the bhatia's intelligence test... I could rattle off stages of prenatal development, all about mendel's theory, do any normal distribution sum, teach my friends about probabilty and all that stuff... I was sure I could recall pretty much most of whatever the text books said. I even knew where on a page the answer could be found and by the end of the semester, I could sometimes even tell you on which page the answer could be found if it was a so-called "important" question.

But now that I have finished my under graduate studies, I often wonder about my future plans in terms of studies and in terms of life.. Most often, I just draw a huge blank.. And of course, though I may still need to know the symptoms of schizophrenia, and knowing about Skinner's experiments may make it easier for me in some way, I cant help wondering how much more it would have helped us if we were taught how to learn, how to have the thirst for knowledge, how to question everything and not blindly accept what we are taught and how to learn for ourselves instead of depending on others..

When I mentioned this thought, a friend told me that I was living in a fantasy world if I thought we could ever study under such a system and said that most of us would not survive under such a system. All I could think was that for one, such a system is meant to help us survive better eventually, and secondly that I am in no way saying that it will be easy and a lazy person like me will have to slog to do well under that system. At the risk of sounding vain, I have to say that I did extremely well in my under graduate studies for someone who put in less than 10% effort. And under a more challenging system , I probably would not have done as well, But I would be more independent, more confident and hopefully wiser..

I may be living in my fantasy world hoping that I find such a system, if not for me, at least for my children (Do I sound like I'm trying to copy Martin Luther King or something?)... But let me dream, for that is all I have!!! My dreams!!! They are only mine... and they are free...

Things I have learnt in college

When i joint WCC I expected something. I'm not quite sure what i expected, but I know for a fact that i sure did expect something from my three years of college. More importantly, I expected 500% more freedom than at school since I was away from my parents, a challenging sytem under which I would learn to learn, cliques of friends like I had in school, money that I could spend any way I pleased... U get the drift!!!!

Whoa!!! And was I in for a surprise or what? My 17 year old brain could not comprehend at the time what changes I would have to go through to survive those three years in college, and to make it more challenging, in hostel!!!

I sure did get alot more freedom than i did while staying with my parents and attending school. But I slowly learnt that with the freedom comes responsibilty and having to face the consequence of your own actions. Every time i decided to bunk more classes, I ran the risk of being lost during my following classes that I did attend and the constant fear that I mite not have the required days of attendance to write my exams without paying condonation, and if I did have to pay, I would have had to cut down on at least three outings to galloppin gooseberries or movenpik or about 10 outings to murugan idlis...

Directly related to this learning was the learning that having to manage my own money is not all that great. When you have a fixed amount for the month, you soon learn that u can't really afford that awesome steak and baskin robbin ice creams everyday unless u decided not to pay ur mess bill and get kicked out of hostel. you also learn that budgeting is not the easiest thing to do, especially when ur a college student who can't decide whether going out with your friends to a party that will cost you 350 bucks or the new kurta in westside is higher on the priority list!

The challenging system.... Well, I was highly dissolutioned is all I can say for now, I guess. At some point, I'll have a whole entry on the system of education. And another major expectation, a group of friends like I had in school - where we would pinky swear to keep secrets, talk about plans for the day, go out often, spend time at each other's houses and the like... Well, was I in for a surprise or what??? I had a whole lot of friends in college, some from hostel, some from class, some from other colleges, some working and some from church... Each group taught me something different unlike the one group of friends I had in school. And while I was moderately close to some of them and used to just "hang out" with them, others influenced me much more.
The biggest and most important difference to me was that in school, we spent half our time telling each other how much the other meant to us and how much we would alwaysbe best friends, in college, there were no time for such trivialities... (is there a word like that?) We just KNEW that we were closer than anything that needs words.. And we knew each other better than anyone else did. Especially friends in the hostel,living with them was like knowing way too much about them... much more than u wanted to know. But ur stuck with them anyway. Something like family.. they are there whether u want them or not.. gives a new meaning to trust!! or rather the old meaning, but just that I took some time to realize what it really means..

We din't have to keep proving to ourselves or anyone else that we were friends or how close we were and still are.. I made some other friends. Guys who I liked, thought I loved, actually loved and some friends who were just there.. They all taught me something new. About guys... how to deal with them, how different they are and what good friends some of them can be.. and by that i emphasize on the word - some! All-in-all, I could say it was a love -hate relationship with most of them! lol...

College taught me alot more which I am feeling to lazy to elaborate on at the moment, so maybe another time... For now - college is an experience thru which if u survive, ur much wiser (hopefully) and much happier (at least for me!!)

All about timing!

We keep learning small things as we go on thru life and lately I have noticed something that is important in the sense that unless I understand this, my attitude, relationships and future will be affected. Without further nonsensic blabbering, I'll tell you what I have learnt...

Every event, every situation, every decision is alot about timing. We may make different decisions about the same situation because of circumstances or timing!

Whether it's as simple as buying a dress that I like, or as complicated as taking up a new job, timing is a deciding factor. It's wierd how when couples are young, they don't have much money, they are building their lives and have to slog to make ends meet and have some form of stable income. But when they are old, retired and have enough money saved, they are too old to travel and try new things or they are not even together anymore to use that money together..

Even when it comes to relationships, sometimes you meet someone who u like and who likes u (which in itself is difficult to find), but u realize the timing is not right, either he moves away or he just hooked up with someone or he just got out of a bad relationship and is not ready for another one, or he wants to get married immediately, or he doesn't!!!!! Sounds like I'm talking with experience doesn't it? lol..

One of my friends told me once that even with jokes, its alot to do with timing. His friend told him that there are four kinds of jokes...

1. good jokes, good timing
2. good jokes, bad timing
3. bad jokes good timing
4. bad jokes, bad timing

Guess my friend ran on the bad jokes, but good timing system.. Neways, it's the timng that saved him and made people think his jokes were funny. And if I ever (in a momentary lapse of sanity) tried to crack that joke, it always misfired.. But guess that's also cos I'm not someone who can say jokes well. Well, what can I say?? Some can sing, some can dance, some can say jokes... And obviously I am not one of them.

Being at the rite place and more importantly at the rite time, accounts for a whole lot. And some people have made it big because they were at the rite place at the rite time. Of course I have to admit that some ppl who had it tough and never managed to be where they wanted to and when they wanted to, have also made it big. Thats sheer perseverence and hardwork - which is another thing i admire. There is no use having talent or skills, You need to be able to use it well.

Just random musings, I guess.. But since this is my space for me to write what i want, when i want, I dont need to apologize for these words.. my thoughts..